Loneliness of a Stay-at-home Mom

The loneliness of a stay-at-home mom, can be overwhelming but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Webster's dictionary defines loneliness as sadness resulting from being forsaken or abandoned.  Loneliness can also be defined as unhappy as a result of being without the companionship of others.

I'm not sure when it exactly happened.  For me, it didn't just happen overnight.  It happened very slowly, and then all of a sudden I realized I hadn't heard from anyone in days, weeks and maybe even months.

I thought a lot about many different aspects of being a stay-at-home mom before I took the leap.  I knew I didn't function well without adults and outward motivation around me, but I was willing to take on the risk of the emotional toll.

I would not just be a mom of one, because I have step kids as well.  With all of my step kid's activities, I knew I would make maybe a few friends.  But, I forgot one truth about being a stepmom (and an active one at that), other kid's moms don't want to build a relationship with you.  They want to become friends with your child's "real mom".

I don't say that with any malice intent.  No mom has said one unkind word to me and other mothers are always extremely pleasant.  But if we were really honest with ourselves, most people like to mingle with others that are similar to themselves.  That's just kind of human nature.

I have yet to find a stepmom that is as active with their step kids as I am, so making friends has been a struggle for me.  So long story short, being a stay-at-home stepmom has a whole other set of difficulties that I was a little naive about.

In my old life before babies, I had calls from friends and family all of the time, usually during my most busy moments.  We would text or meet for lunch or dinner.  Sometimes we would just hang out or just talk on the phone to catch up on each other's busy lives.  You know, all of the normal stuff friends and family do.  But now that my days are filled with cleaning, laundry, chasing a toddler, being a bonus mom and wife, the calls and texts have stopped.  Not only from friends but from family as well.  Everyone is living their own lives and since I am not close anymore, out of sight out of mind.

When I do see my family or friends, since I have no other outlet, I talk about my kids mainly.  We talk about what we know and since lately that is all I seem to know, people are stuck with it.

Each and every day I get to see my sons and daughters grow up and learn new things.  I love that I get to see all of their firsts.  I don't regret one day of it, but I do miss my old life.  I miss the interaction with others and the desire to be needed and not just as a wife, mother and taxi driver.

Before becoming a SAHM, I needed a certain amount of "me" time to refresh myself. And now, that hasn't changed.  I still need "me" time but somehow many people mistake being at home alone with children, the same as having "me" time.  Well let me tell you, it isn't.  Most of the time I feel like completely isolated and alone.

I don't regret one minute I have spent being a stay-at-home mom.  I feel so lucky that we are able to financially have me be at home, at least for the short term.  I love every smile and pouty lip.  I am extremely fortunate and I constantly need to remind myself of it.  But, for an introvert with extrovert tendencies, this has been harder for me than I ever imagined.

So ultimately, I have to say that the loneliness is the hardest part of being a stay-at-home mom.

I have a few words of advice for women like me, those that have always found most of their self worth working outside the home.  If you are considering becoming a SAHM, ask yourself these questions.

  • Can we afford to be a SAHM?
  • Am I more of an introvert or extrovert?
  • Am I good at working alone, with no direction?
  • Am I an organized person?
  • Will my spouse treat me as an equal if I am not working outside of the home?
  • Is being a SAHM worth sacrificing my career ambition?
  • How long am I willing or wanting to stay at home?
  • Ultimately, will I resent my children if I stay at home?

 

These are all very important things to think about when making the decision to stay at home.  This is not a decision to make lightly or alone.

If you decide to take on the role of a stay-at-home mom like me (for however long), be aware that loneliness can hit you out of the blue.  So I put together a few ways to fight the loneliness:

  1. Make a routine
  2. Get out of the house
  3. Find an outlet that is all yours
  4. Openly communicate with your spouse
  5. Find a mom's group in your area, in person or online
  6. Don't be afraid to talk to your doctor because loneliness can turn into depression

Loneliness may be a part of my life as a stay-at-home mom, but it doesn't define me.  Each and every day I am blessed to watch my kids grow and blossom into the future exceptional adults I know they are going to be.  Although there may be moments of lonely tears, the most meaningful tears are from happiness and laughter.  And I wouldn't trade that for anything.

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Life After Divorce for a Stepmom

What happens when a stepmom is no longer a stepmom?

Being a stepmom is one of the hardest and most rewarding jobs I have ever undertaken.  But what happens to a stepmom when the birth dad and stepmom divorce?

This is a topic that is very rarely spoken of.  But with approximately 67% of second marriages ending in divorce, and some studies say that bringing children in from a previous marriage increases the chance of divorce by 15%, it is a reality for many.  What happens when the Stepmom stops being a stepmom?

As stepparents, we are told to treat our step kids no different than birth kids.  As a stepmom we are to love and be a "mom" to our step kids.  Stepmom duties may seem very familiar to moms.  I make breakfast, lunch and dinner.  I take my kids to doctors appointments and play dates.  I help with homework and drive kids to Girl Scouts, tennis or baseball practice.  I am there cheering at plays or rugby games.

We are "mom" to our kids but do not get the credit of being the child's mom.  Now, when I became a stepmom I kind of knew this would be the case but I embraced my role anyway.

But nobody ever seems to talk about the "after".  I guess to be honest, nobody really wants to think about divorce or believes it will never happen to them.  They say blood is thicker than water.  That statement is very powerful to the divorced stepmom.

I was once told by a long time stepmom, that even during the toughest times of her marriage, she knew she could never walk away because if she did, she would never see her kids (two of them legally step kids) again.  To me that was such a shocking admission but all too true.

Stepparents have the job and responsibilities of a mom, but have no legal rights like a birth parent, unless they have legally adopted the stepchild.  For those of us who live and die for our kids, no matter if they were born to us or not, this is the hardest part of being a stepparent.  And I caution those who are going to become a stepparent, be aware of this truth but don't let it hold you hostage.

Years after my divorce, I learned that some states are trying to bring some rights to stepparents, even in divorce.  Those states have enacted laws that grant grandparents visitation rights, and stepparents are fighting for those same privileges.

Many lawyers will encourage just dealing with this outside of the divorce documents, but think long and hard about what is best for your family.  But even if your state has rights, I believe the real question should be what is best for each member of the family.

After the divorce papers are signed, it is really up to the ex-spouse if visitations are permitted with the step kids, if it is not clearly stated in legal documents.  Remember every divorce is different.  Some ex-spouses don't want the ex-stepparent to have contact with their children.  They want to start a new life, and really I can't blame them.  After all, they are trying to protect their kids from any pain and disappointment.

My advice, keep your door open.  If you want to continue to be a part of your step kids lives', make sure they know they are always welcome.  Whether that is sending cards, emails, texts or phone calls, let them know you love them and will always be there.  Sometimes the results will not be in your favor and sometimes they will.  Just know that you were the best stepmom you could be and hopefully they are better people for it.

One day, I hope my step kids from my first marriage will want to be a part of my life, but no matter what, I will always love them.  They will always have a piece of my heart.  And I am so thankful, that even for a short time, I got to be a part of their life.

 

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Just Shut Up!!!!  SAHM vs Working Moms

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I think I have officially had it!!!  I am so sick and tired of seeing demeaning comments by both Stay-at-home Moms and Working Moms.  It’s just ridiculous.  Guess what everybody, being a mom is hard no matter what.  And I don’t just mean being a biological mom, I am referring to being a stepmom, being a stay-at-home mom, being a working mom, being a single mom … and every other category that people seem to want to classify moms into. Continue reading

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10 Steps to Being a Good Stepmom

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I consider myself an extremely lucky woman.  I have been a stepmom (or bonus mom) twice.  In my first marriage, I had two beautiful step-kids, one girl and one boy.  They are now 18 and 23, and have turned out to be such amazing young adults.

In my current marriage, I have two more sweet and beautiful step-kids, again one boy and one girl.  I can’t tell you in words how much I love all four kids.  They have all brought me so much joy.

Whether you are a stepmom or stepdad, a girlfriend or boyfriend, this role is so important in a child’s life.  In both of my marriages and also in other relationships, I have dealt with many different ex-significant others.  I have learned a lot and know I need to continue learning everyday.

With a lot of thought and advice, I have come up with 10 Steps to Being a Good Stepmom.  Obviously, there is no one way to be a good stepmom or stepdad, but these are things that have guided me.  I may not have been the best, but I did my best and don’t regret how I loved and love my step-kids.

Continue reading

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Top Things Nobody Tells New Moms

From Mommy Thumb to Breastfeeding, there are so many things that people just don't want to tell new moms.

 

I remember being pregnant with my son, all the excitement and eagerness for his arrival.  I knew it was going to be a lot of work, but was actually kind of excited about the sleepless nights and changing diapers.  I know it sounds weird, but I really was.  But what really shocked me as a new mom, were the amount of things that nobody told me about.  So for all of you new or expecting moms out there, here is my list of the Top Things Nobody Tells New Moms.

Breastfeeding Is Hard

Don’t completely believe the published numbers for successful breastfeeding mothers.  If you look at 2014 CDC Breastfeeding Report Card, it is reported that approximately 80% of all new mother’s breastfeed.  When I looked at that number, I said to myself, of course I’m going to breastfeed.  It can’t be that hard if 80% of women do it, and for the state I live in it’s closer to 92%.  But that is usually where most articles stop.  So, when I couldn’t produce enough milk and stopped breastfeeding after a short time, I felt like a complete failure.  (I did have some extenuating circumstances, but that will be for another post.)  When you look deeper into the numbers, it really is a different story. Continue reading

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